By Haneen Maree
Act one, where it all begun
Although my memory is fuzzy, one thing’s for sure: when I knocked curiously, you opened the door
But to be exact, and to review all the facts,
Six years ago, an argument with a friend had left me in a sour mood
I look across the classroom, and to a book you were glued
Desperate to stay away from my friend and intrigued by your calm, I moved to sit next to you, and you raised no alarm
I remember giggling as we tried to figure out what the universe is made of
Two nerds theorizing and grinning, with nothing to be afraid of
You listened to my favorite songs, I watched your favorite shows
We talked day and night ‘bout things that no one knows
We shared similar views, loved the rain, and had secrets to hide
Our vines were intertwining, and we slowly peeked inside
Act two, “on a scale of 1-10, how well are you?”
What we asked when we realized how much we hide by saying “I’m fine”
And the answers were seven, five, two, five, but never a nine
During that time, my mind began drowning in oceans of its fears
These oceans slowly flooded my lungs, stopped my breathing, and brought me to tears
“Anxiety” they called it, an excruciating, agitating, and deprecating voice
“Escape! Escape!” I rarely had a choice
How the hell do you anticipate an attack?
Beats me, six years later and I’m still looking for a hack
But at the time, you used to always know where to find me, hold my hands, and sit quietly beside me
I never told you it would help, I didn’t know that it would help, but you somehow knew when no one else had a clue
We grew closer and closer, and I started to see, that I wasn’t the only one drowning in the sea
While my demons were grey, white, and chilling like ice
Yours were black, red, and demanded a price
It soon became clear to me that your darkness wasn’t a cloudy day, but a terrifying, horrifying storm that liked to stay
I began to understand; while we both wanted out of this place, you were the only one with a plan
And so, after three months of arguing and begging you to stay,
Of crimson rivers, jarring triggers, tearful quivers, and wilting away
You decided to leave on a sunny day in March
Out of these gates you were so ready to march
You left me an apology, like that would justify your escape
Reading those words, my worst fear was taking shape
But thankfully, turns out it wasn’t time for you to leave yet
Thankfully, I made that phone call; undid the plans that you set
And so, a year passes by full of hospital trips and heart skips, of holding hands and writing on sand, of finding God and beating the odds
Our souls were tied together alright
At least that’s how I explain us seeing the same dreams at night
And feeling physical pain when you lose your fights and ambush your body out of spite
Or least that’s how things used to be
Act three, “it’s a matter of time before you flee”
Something you used to tell me from time to time
To which I would always disagree and see as a crime
“I will always be there” I would say defiantly
Maybe it was love, or ego, or morality
And maybe it was all of them combined
But regardless of why, I knew that I’d never leave you behind
Until you decided that it was the right thing to do
Until you started to deny what is true
You were so convinced that you didn’t deserve a thing
Insisted that ashes were all you can bring
You surrounded yourself with broken mirrors and believed what they showed
Then packed my words into a box and threw them off the road
A slave to self-loathing, you worshipped all its lies
Never believed what I told you, despite all my tries
I remember being baffled, not knowing who to blame
“It’s so easy to love her, why can’t she do the same?!”
You hated yourself so much that you never gave it a chance
Sabotaged your treatment and lied to your doctors, like it’s a performative dance
Despite all that, I didn’t want to leave you
But you decided to leave us and started blocking me out the blue
You were borderline, and our friendship was on the line
You always came back crying, then blocked me again despite knowing that I’m dying
Lesson unlocked: there is only so much a heart can take
Contact unblocked: but I knew that I’m about to break
Anxiety turned to anger, fear to frustration
My feelings were changing before I could process the situation
I moved to college, you moved away
I met new friends, saw the difference right away
But despite being happy, I was drowning in guilt
In the end, I couldn’t keep the promises that I built
I was supposed to always be there, until I realized that it wasn’t fair
We loved each other so much that our hearts suffocated
As it turns out, having a soulmate was not what I anticipated
At some point we fought, and you told me how I was “more like a shrink than a friend”
And I told you how my trust in you was forced to sink at the end
Eventually, you noticed that our flower has wilted and that our tower was tilted
And so, we silently sailed in different directions for the first time, after two years that honestly felt like a lifetime
At the time, I felt free, excited, and held on with a grip
Until I noticed the holes that you left in my ship
Act four, when your memories knocked on the door
A year passes by; pandemics erupt, rulers are corrupt, and change is abrupt
When things go back to normal, my mind remains abnormal
Loneliness was an old pal, a sibling at this point
Always a part of my life, connected at the joint
But after that year passed by, my loneliness reached the sky
All I felt was the gap that you left
All I sensed was the pain on the left
Your memories haunted my days and I wrapped them in gold
It’s so funny how now, only the good ones unfold
I see you in every rainfall, every poem, and every flower I hold
I miss your laugh, your clammy hands, and every joke that you told
I miss singing to you, ranting to you, and cursing your cold
And so, when I lost hope in finding hope around me
I text you and hope that you could see what I see
“Do you want things to be like they were?”
“I cherish our memories, but we are done for”
Saying that tears flooded out of my eyes would be an understatement
You’re gonna be fine? Now THAT’S an overstatement
Despite having the door shut right in my face,
I was still stuck on what we had and cried in disgrace
Somehow forgetting all the times I anxiously texted you to know if you’re alive
How much I couldn’t confide in you, and how much peace of mind I was deprived
Longing was my name, but now it’s my torturer
Cursed with feeling lonely, who knew the mind was a sorcerer?
The universe was made of matter, but now this pain was the matter
I thought that to misery I was bound, but as it turns out, time can really astound
Act five… or four? Does it even matter anymore?
I’m not really sure how it happened or when, I just know that it did
One day I was just sick of waiting and crying like a kid
Grew tired of my reflection; always a weakling staring back
So as the days passed by, I pushed the past off my back
I really hate cliches, but time truly heals
And I finally learned and knew how it feels
To be content with myself, to love her on my own
Instead of waiting for a savior to come from the unknown
I took off my rose-tinted glasses, I no longer see you in glitter
Nor do I see you with anger, like a loser who is bitter
Instead, I see who we were and I know it’s no longer true
People grow up and grow apart, and it was time for us too
Truth be told, I still love you, just not the same way I used to
I will cherish our memories just like you said
But instead of putting them on display, I’ll put them under the bed
To think that all this started from an argument, makes me truly wonder
A flap of a wing led not only to a storm, but years of rain and thunder
But at last, I can say that now that we’re through
Looks like my dark skies have finally turned blue